Surgery.

I’m so tired of waiting.  I always get like this a few days before my next appointment with the surgeon.  I’ve been seeing him for 1yr and almost 5 months.  Before that, I knew I’d end up doing this sooner or later and it took me about 6 yrs to finally try again.  

I think I’m just frustrated with my body…again.  Every time I do something good for me, something goes wrong.  Correction: every time I try to continue with my healthy eating/exercise after a period of recovery, something goes wrong.  He needs to see results and my body does every imaginable thing to keep me from getting there.  I spend hrs on forums and sites looking at photos and talking to people who have had WLS or are going through the process.  Meetings, exercise, diet, books…I do it all.  And still, it seems like everyone is leaps and bounds ahead of me, whether they’re working hard for it or not. I guess that’s the bitter me biting at the harsh reality of Canadian healthcare.  

Must breathe…it won’t always be like this.  I’m just tired of being sick all the time, and I don’t even know what’s wrong.  I’m not diabetic.  I don’t have sleep apnea or high blood pressure.  My heart is healthy.  So why is my abdomen being such an asshole? If it’s not some faulty organ or a lame virus, it’s random FU pains for no given reason.  Nothing comforts me when that’s the reality I wake up to everyday.  I still remind myself everyday that I love who I am, that I am learning to love my body and I should be grateful for what I do have.  But sometimes it’s not enough and I just need to vent.  So there you have it…